內卷 (nèi juǎn) or “secret studying,” is a toxic study method I use to survive in my school’s competitive academic environment.

The goal of neijuan is to work as hard as you can, but then in front of others pretend like you didn’t study very much at all. When you succeed, your peers will think you’re a naturally gifted and cool student, and tests are too easy for you.

Why do I study secretly?

Before telling why I study secretly, I need to talk about why I study hard. First, my school is competitive. If I don’t study for at least a few hours each day, I will get lower grades. Second, our school ranks us on every test. If I don’t rank high I feel embarrassed. Third, my parents have high expectations of me, so I need to do my best on every exam.

I study secretly because I care about how people see me. Once, I got a bad score on an exam. Another classmate who I thought wasn’t as studious got the top score, and everyone was impressed. I was really sad because people knew I was always studying hard, yet I didn’t get good scores. This feeling grew and I became insecure about what other people thought about me.

I was overthinking. I was afraid people would think I’m dumb because even though I studied a lot I still got bad grades.

So, I started to avoid studying too much at school in front of my peers, and began studying extra hard at home.

Now I feel exhausted because I need to spend more time at home doing assignments that I could’ve finished in school. At first, I convinced myself that everyone is doing this too, so I shouldn’t feel bad about it. Overthinking that my peers are secretly studying was also a good motivation for me to study, because I tell myself if I don’t study hard enough, people will do better than me.

My secret studying began to work. When I got good scores, people were impressed because they thought I didn’t study that much. On the other hand, on the rare occasion that I got bad scores, people wouldn’t think much of it because I just “didn’t study”. I loved the admiration of being a smart kid, so I started to hide my studying even more.

However, I took it too far. My study sessions became inefficient. Oftentimes, when I study, I think about what my other classmates are studying at that same moment. Then I want to finish all of my assignments faster, and start reviewing for tests earlier, so maybe I can score higher. Over time, studying has become an imagined competition with my peers rather than actually learning, making mistakes, and improving myself.

Eventually, my grades fell a little. I got so anxious and began to sleep less so I could study more. This made my studying less efficient.

I know this is slowly harming my mental health because I obsess about my upcoming tests. But I also constantly ask myself, “Am I studying hard enough?”

Confession

I used to think that just because I study secretly, everyone is also secretly studying. I would tell myself that Taiwan’s education system made my life busy and exhausting.

In reality, the problem is me overthinking too much. I make things complicated. I overthink. There might be a few students in my class who study secretly, but I thought everyone did it because I was insecure. I don’t know how everyone in my class studies, but some of them probably study in other ways.

I know I should worry about what others are doing and overthink my approach to studying. I know I should accept the fact that making mistakes is normal. But I still feel the pressure to be the best in my class, and to make it look like it wasn’t very hard.