Imagine this: A woman walks home at 2 in the morning, it’s dark out, and she’s alone. Suddenly, a man appears behind her, walking at a pace slightly quicker than her. She stays alert, but he just gets closer and closer. She’s nervous, she’s panicking, and she’s scrambling in her bag to find her pepper spray. 

Imagine yourself in her situation. Would you be scared? If that was me, I’d be shaking to death. 

However, many men would say this impulse is “offensive.” “Not all men are bad,” they argue. Not all men are predators, not all men are rapists, not all men are kidnappers, not all men are abusers, not all men are assaulters, not all men are creeps; the list goes on.

“Not all men” is a common turn of phrase with a straightforward meaning: women are wrongfully afraid of men in general. However, “not all men” diminishes the dangers women face every day as women. Saying “not all men” in response to the well-founded fear women experience is condescending, and it shows when a man is unaware of his privilege as a man. 

The origins of “not all men”

The phrase “not all men” has been used for decades. In 1985, writer Joanna Russ explained the hardships women face in her story On Strike Against God. She writes:

“…that not all men make more money than all women, only most; that not all men are rapists, only some; that not all men are promiscuous killers, only some; that not all men control Congress, the Presidency, the police, the army, industry, agriculture, law, science, medicine, architecture, and local government, only some.”

This excerpt perfectly captures how women feel when men say “not all men,” and it dates back decades ago, highlighting how women’s struggles are far from being “solved.” Of course, not every man is bad, but many are. So what’s the point of this argument? Are women supposed to feel bad for men who are angry that they’re stereotyped like this when they might exhibit some of these traits without realizing it? 

More recently, “not all men” became an internet meme for feminists. As women more openly spoke about gender discrimination, propelled by movements such as the #metoo movement, men felt the need to distance themselves from the generalizations of feminists. To do so, many men are saying “not all men” more often.

Why “not all men” is invalid and patronizing 

When men say “not all men,” they’re trying to keep themselves from being lumped in with men women feel threatened by. When women share their unfortunate experiences with male assaulters, abusers, and rapists, men worry they will be labeled in a way they don’t deserve. 

However, men should take a deep look at why women feel nervous and alert around all men. As a woman, do I believe every man walking on this planet has abusive tendencies and is going to hurt me? Of course not. But am I going to be wary of men whenever I’m alone with a man I don’t feel totally comfortable with or when I sense danger? Yes. 

The issue isn’t that all men are bad, it’s that there’s a possibility of a man wanting to hurt women and if they want to, they probably can. There’s no reason for women to risk their safety just to validate a man’s feelings of being “one of the good ones.”

By proclaiming “not all men,” men are practically saying, “Hey, I know being a woman is hard or whatever, but I’m a nice guy, I’m one of the good ones, why are you so afraid of me? Why are you so mean and unreasonable?”

I can understand how most men will never have to face the challenges women face, but it’s not hard to understand where we’re coming from. Trying to defend yourself by saying “not all men” doesn’t prove that you’re one of the good ones, it just makes you sound belittling and insecure. 

Challenges women face on a daily basis

Of course, it’s also important to note the decades of struggles women have had to fight for the rights that they get to enjoy today. Unfortunately, the fight is not over, and until the fight is over, women will continue to face systemic and daily discrimination. 

• Around the world, one in three women experience some sort of violence (domestic, sexual violence, etc.) 
• 71 percent of all human trafficking is of girls and women, mostly for sexual exploitation. 
• Women spend approximately twice as much time as men in domestic work and overall work longer hours than men. 
• Over 2.7 billion women face laws that restrict what work they can do. 
• In 2018, the global gender pay gap was 22 percent, meaning women were paid 22 percent lower than men in the same positions. 
• As of January 2019, only 1 in 5 government ministers around the world were women. 

Men get frustrated when confronted with the idea that all men are dangerous. But try and remember everything women have to go through that men never will have to. By saying “not all men” you’re being condescending and patronizing. It’s incredibly hurtful to hear, and doesn’t help your case at all.