As a helpless people-pleaser, I am here to tell you why you should never become one.

A people-pleaser is someone who cares too much about making people happy. They are obsessed with the approval of others, and this obsession can seriously hurt the people-pleasers.

Being a people-pleaser is exhausting. My people-pleasing habits started in middle school. My self-projected need to become a people-pleaser came from my insecurities and fear that nobody would like and accept me. To make sure my fears would never come true, I was willing to completely change myself.

The difference between people-pleasing and caring

Many people confuse people-pleasing with caring about others and wanting those around you to be happy. They can be similar, but the difference is how extreme your actions can go.

Caring about how others think of you is normal human behavior. Everyone has an instinct to care, especially for those closer to us. Wanting to improve yourself for the better is perfectly fine, and people often do this by examining how you treat other people.

Yet, when you start caring too much, you become a people-pleaser. The difference between people-pleasing and caring is that people-pleasing goes beyond genuine concern; as a people-pleaser, you become obsessed with changing yourself only for other people. If you find yourself going against your personal beliefs and altering yourself just to gain validation, you are officially a people-pleaser.

Impact of becoming a people-pleaser

Becoming a people pleaser sucks for many reasons. For one, you neglect yourself. This can lead to stress and mental health issues.

You also lose your authentic self. The constant need for approval will change your entire personality, beliefs, and core values.

Finally, if you are a people-pleaser, it’s also much easier for people to take advantage of you since people-pleasers can overlook their values to satisfy others.

Clearly, you should want to avoid the consequences of falling into the void of people-pleasing. Here are ways to not become entangled in people-pleasing behavior, or how you can improve.

How to stop being a people-pleaser

After recognizing you’re a people-pleaser, you should stop before you get used to certain habits.

The most important thing to learn is how to say no. I would never say no whenever anyone asked me for anything because I wanted everyone to think I was nice and kind. However, this backfired, and people began to walk all over me.

For instance, I used to lend my homework to classmates every day, I sacrificed my rest time to help people with things they should’ve done themselves, and I was always the one doing all the work during group projects and presentations. Even when I could barely keep up with my own work, I helped others first.

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Though I have gradually overcome people-pleasing, I still cling to many people-pleasing habits. An interesting example is how often I say I’m sorry. Even when it isn’t my fault, even when I’m in the right, I always apologize first.

In my experience, it’s too easy to become a people-pleaser. It isn’t a matter of choice; instead, you slowly become one without realizing it. After you become one, it’s so hard to break out of it. However, you must recognize your behavior and try your best to stop it.

Being a people-pleaser may have its short-term positives, such as making those around you happy, but don’t let this fool you. Being a people-pleaser will slowly eat you up from the inside, and it’ll strip away your identity before you even realize it.