Feminists absolutely love being called sensitive. We take it as a compliment and embrace it. Don’t mistake us for measured and thoughtful people. Yuck! Those people are losers. We love when men call us fragile and emotional and accuse us of getting upset over every petty thing.

I know this is confusing for you. Don’t worry. Let me explain.

Women need constant reminders so we know our place

One cute dynamic is that men make misogynistic jokes at us women, and then we call them out on it, and then men say, “stop being so sensitive.”

The thing is, we feminists are all just angry raging lesbians who need manly men to remind us that we are dainty little girls. When you call us sensitive it helps us re-engage with our femininity. On behalf of all feminists, thank you so much!

We women are just incapable of controlling ourselves. It’s the hormones that make us emotional and hysterical. So we need constant reminders that we need to be prim and polite girls who shouldn’t be raising our voices.

Thank you, men, for knowing that we need to be reminded how sensitive we are and be put in our place. Without you, we would just see a bunch of over-opinionated scolds yelling about how we need equal pay and abortion rights.

Mansplain, and other things men should do

The term “mansplain” entered the gender chat in 2008, when Rebecca Solnit published her book Men Explain Things to Me. Rebecca Solnit rambles on and on in her book, complaining how mansplaining is harmful and how women are silenced. Don’t listen to her. She’s obviously just lonely and needs a boyfriend.

When you mansplain to us, we are enthralled. This concept is complex, so listen closely and let me explain. We women have a hard time understanding complex ideas. Remember, women are just not as bright or as experienced as you, with your 11th grade reading level. The female doctors that cure your diseases and women teachers who teach your children need your reasoned commentary to understand things. We women sometimes appear offended when men mansplain to us. But that doesn’t mean you should stop. Why would we ever hate guys as smart and helpful as somebody named Kyle?

Men, if you’re not helping out needy women by explaining ideas in our own areas of expertise, shame on you. However, please remember to smile when you mansplain to us. You look so much friendlier when you do.

Perhaps one tip on how to properly treat women isn’t enough. Let me provide another one: Make misogynistic jokes.

When you make jokes about rape, sexual assault, and objectifying women, you’re treating these women’s issues in a light-hearted way. So when we hear these jokes, we learn that we shouldn’t treat them so seriously either. We won’t be scared when we hear the statistics that 90 percent of rape victims are female and 81 percent of women will face sexual harassment in their lifetimes.

Rather than getting all anxious about walking alone late at night and checking if we have pepper spray, we’ll know that it’s no big deal. Men making sexist jokes teaches us to not make a fuss about these issues too, so thanks.

Do everything that feminists claim to be sexist. Mansplain to us. Make sexist jokes. Comment on our bodies. Call us crazy and gaslight us. Remember, women are supposed to be good girls – to be obedient, to be soft-spoken, and to appeal to men. Please, men, help us stay in our place and belittle our intellects at every opportunity.

Let’s travel back in time

Remember the good old days when you men got to be the masculine guys you are? You proudly went to work and were the breadwinners in your household. These days you have to pretend you adore being a stay-at-home dad “allowing” your partner to go out and work.

In those halcyon days of yore, your masculinity was not challenged by vocal women with too many opinions. Women didn’t point fingers at you when you bravely stood against the “feminist agenda.” You were respected in society for the simple fact of being a man.

Women lived better lives too. We were mothers and housewives, stayed at home, raised kids, and did all the chores. We stood at the front porch with a smile, watching you men leave for work, and when you returned, a hot dinner was waiting for you. Women understood that our role was to boost your egos and help you focus on earning as high of a paycheck as possible, so we gracefully fulfilled all our duties as women back at home.

Back in the old days, we all lived better lives. You asserting your lost masculinity so bravely and passive-aggressively helps us remember this, so thank you.

–

As much as we crave to be dainty little girls, many of us feminists lack the self-control and servile mind needed to do so. I might be asking too much from you men, but the responsibility to put everything, especially us women, in its rightful place is on you.

You need to know that young boys model your behavior. The more sexist jokes you make, the more they’ll make them. The more you mansplain to us, the more they’ll mansplain to us. We need to teach young boys how to firmly shut down female empowerment and for all men to kindly assist us so we are not the raving, easily-offended women we are now.

Be a truly masculine man. It’s not too late to bring back the patriarchy.