Everyone gets jealous. Jealousy is inescapable, omnipresent, and devastating.
As a teenager, I struggle a lot with jealousy and the insecurities that stem from it. Personally, it goes both ways: I feel jealous of a lot of people, and some people feel jealous of me. Teen jealousy consists of this cycle of envy.
My parents used to tell me that jealousy is “part of the teenage experience”; this led me to believe that jealousy is something every teenager is bound to go through, and trying to avoid it is unnecessary.
However, I have come to learn that this doesn’t mean teenagers shouldn’t try to monitor and minimize their jealousy. Jealousy isn’t just a phase that you go through and leave unharmed; it can be detrimental to the teenager themselves.
Common cases of teenage jealousy
Teenage jealousy comes in many shapes and forms—here are a few examples of teen jealousy.
- Friendship jealousy: Maybe someone else has more friends than you do, or you aren’t your best friend’s best friend.
- Relationship jealousy: Maybe your partner seems to be having too much fun with someone else.
- Appearance jealousy: Maybe you feel that your classmate is prettier than you, and it’s unfair.
- Attention jealousy: Maybe you’re not the most popular person in class or don’t get the attention from classmates you want.
Of course, these are just simple categories for teen jealousy. The truth is that teenagers are very immature (including myself), so anything can cause jealousy among us.
How teen jealousy affects the perpetrator
The effect teen jealousy has on us is not just bitterness or sadness. Teen jealousy can cause serious psychological and physical issues.
As for psychological effects, perhaps Olivia Rodrigo describes teen jealousy best with her song “Jealousy, Jealousy”:
“Co-comparison is killing me slowly
I think, I think too much
‘Bout kids who don’t know me
I’m so sick of myself
I’d rather be, rather be
Anyone, anyone else”
Jealousy can eat a teenager from the inside out. Insecurities are already a big part of the average teenager’s life, and jealousy will only sharpen this problem.
Not only does teen jealousy result in insecurities, it can also lead to obsessiveness. When we target one specific person and develop an unhealthy amount of jealousy for them, it’s easy to attach obsession over everything they do.
Oftentimes, when we feel inferior because of jealousy, this inferiority actually transforms into a false sense of superiority. Rather than feeling bad about ourselves, we find it easier to convince ourselves that we are better than everyone else.
This false sense of superiority can harm the perpetrator deeply as well. Even though having confidence is great, being arrogant and treating everyone as inferior can harm you because the underlying problem of jealousy is never solved, just forcefully ignored.
Not only does teen jealousy affect you mentally, there are also physical effects. Common side effects from jealousy include increased heart rate, sweating, and feeling sick to your stomach.
According to Jane Flemming, a general practitioner in London, “someone in the grip of jealousy will suffer raised blood pressure, heart-rate and adrenalin levels, weakened immunity, anxiety and probably insomnia.”
How teenage jealousy affects the victim
In simple terms, jealousy doesn’t really affect a person who someone else is jealous of.
If they hide their jealousy well, it’s hard to even realize that someone is jealous of you. Even if you do find out, it probably will have little effect on you.
In my experience, you might gain a few haters due to jealousy who try to spread rumors about you, but overall this is not a problem.
However, if you are jealous of someone else, you are the only person suffering. The person you’re jealous of will not suffer because of this jealousy, and you will not become better, either.
This shows that teen jealousy is truly irrational. Those who feel jealous of others probably have never thought about who their jealousy truly affects.
How to defeat your own jealousy
I used to suffer from low self-esteem and I would get jealous of everyone around me, but I learned how to combat and minimize this jealousy.
The first and hardest step is to recognize your jealousy. Admitting that you’re feeling jealous can be embarrassing, even if you’re just admitting it to yourself. Even though it is hard, this is the most important step. Only by being self-aware and recognizing your problem can you improve.
After recognizing this jealousy, there are many ways to deal with it. An easy way is to transform your jealousy into motivation. Very often, when we are jealous of others, it’s because they possess something we don’t. If jealousy is a form of negative reinforcement, then motivation is positive reinforcement.
Instead of asking “why do they get to have this?”, ask “how do I work to get this?”. This does not fit into every scenario regarding jealousy, but the gist is that trying to aim for what you envy of others can properly help you deal with jealousy.
Sometimes, however, there’s going to be jealousy that never goes away. If this is the case, I always remind myself of this fact: the side we see of someone is always their good side—but that doesn’t mean they don’t have a bad side.
When we feel jealous of someone, we may forget that they, just like everyone else, have flaws and insecurities as well.
Everyone has their own struggles and insecurities. While you may feel jealous of someone, that person may feel jealous of someone else too. By remembering this and appreciating myself, I can deal with my jealousy better.
This doesn’t mean that jealousy is invalid: jealousy is a normal emotion to feel. Teen jealousy is not unnatural, and it’s not something to feel embarrassed about.
However, just because it is inevitable for every teenager doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try and minimize the harms it brings us.
Whenever you feel that jealousy is too overwhelming for you, try to remember that you are great as you are.
I love how Chloe points out that when you are jealous you are the only person who is affected and suffering and that the person you are jealous of is not really going to be affected. I think that teenagers need to learn to how to face and “defeat” their own jealousy to be truly happy.